Dear my past self part II

Dear my self at 24,

Hi, are you okay? are you alright? you look tired. 

I am yourself at 25. It is 15th of June 2020. 15 days past after your 25th birthday my dearest Calysta. 24 was crazy, right? but open your heart, your mind, your self. I know you were tired, just take a rest.

You were emotionally unstable, you were easily get stressed, you were naive, you were stubborn and selfish, you were not thinking clearly, you were easily get sick and depressed, you were too honest and you were ambitious, you were easily get offended... you looked at your friends who just getting married in their early age of relationship, and you were so offended with no engagement in almost 9 years of having "relationship" with this person. Hello sweetheart.. since when getting married become the new achievement ya, Cal? you were easily get angry if anyone dare to ask you about marriage hahaha, and yes you would yelled to him and become a starving tiger hahaha, you knew what, I still do not get it. But yes I have to say I still have that feeling sometimes, but now it was not like an anger, but more like a confusion, how should I answer that stupid question? because i have no idea when i get married, who has an idea or an exact answer with that question? i think people doesn't expect any honest answer for that. yeah, they were just prep-talking, and please do not be too serious with that hahaha. Marriage is marriage.. it is not a competition, it is just one phase of a life, or I just can say, next level of your life. But I agree, you deserved to be angry to him, but do not lose your mind and faith, because if someone doesn't treated you right, you deserved a better treatment. One key : believe in your prayer and just take a deep breathe. But yeah, you were my silly pumpkin i love you. 

Thanks to you, for opening my eyes that not everyone is good. You believed in people so easily, you talked as if nothing will happened to you, you acted blindly, not thinking clearly, and put your emotion first more than anything. Not everyone you know was good person, you should be more cautious about that, not everyone thought about you the same as you thought about them, sometimes you just misunderstand it and you just let yourself drowned. I know dear, you wanted to become a positive person, but that was not a good way to start. You were become mad, disappointed with people, you thought that why people didn't feel the same way as you did, why people did not thank you for what you have done to them, why people just get easily mocked you in front of everyone when you always tried to keep their feelings. Become positive is not trusting, it is different. You had become easily get depressed, sick and stressed because of that. And for all those negativity and toxicity people brought to you, put it on the garbage and just move on, do not say a word and just leave, you have a right to cut the line between you and those negativity people brought to your head, make you feel bad. Just do not be overthinking about it. Put that on the trash. You deserved to be happy and surrounded yourself with good people. 

You were so naive girl! Please.. politics is exist. You cannot get what you want without strategy, and thinking that everything needs "technical effort". You were not a college girl anymore. Please be smarter with that, cause you have learned in class. Be classy always, I am still learning to be that way. That was okay.

I appreciate your hard work for making this far to be a postgraduate student. It was not easy for you to maintain both roles as an employee and a student at the same time. You still keep your expectation high and be a perfectionist, but let's make it less, for your own good. I am so proud of your hard work, really. You let yourself sleepless for 3 days in a row for doing examinations, you were reading many articles to get your homework done on time, you let your weekend gone too soon, you missed many events just to be right on time on your class, I am so proud of you really. Someday, your hard work will be paid off, I believe that. Thank you for taught me so much. To be a better me in the future.

Yours sincerely,

Calysta Merina, the age of 25

Dear my past self

Dear my self at 23,

Hello Calysta! I am you, now at 25. You know you were never realize how hard you treated yourself my dear. I know you were the best graduate, you got a honour and compliments. You got a job in your dream company with your "above-average" salary as a fresh graduate. Girl, you thought you were on the top of the world. People said you were not just an ordinary woman, you were successfully broke many stereotypes about you, you proved everyone who were scoffed you and thought you could be underestimated but they were wrong and you were totally right, you were became overly confident about yourself. Remember when you ditched your friend in your high school when he said your face looks boring 7 years ago? That was a stupid move haha, even though I know he was totally a jerk but c'mon girl, you better than that. If someone said.. ok not someone, let's say 3 or 4 person said you were the worst, does it mean you were actually worse? absolutely not! you were always overthinking about other people say about you, don't you know that? don't you notice yourself? 

You wanted to prove and prove everyone you were the best, but you were stucked in that zone. you never feel satisfied for what you have got and you always wanted people to admire you, think you were amazing, just makes you felt overwhelmed about yourself. Remember when you took an IELTS class and spent so much money so you could continue your study abroad with scholarship? for what? yes to prove everyone that you were smart, genius or whatever. for what? to make everyone loves you. right? for what? to make him feel you were better than him at anything, so he couldn't just say you could be just "the girl next door". do you need that? no. then I believe you weren't moving on from that mistake and failure cause you were not get your "dream plan". you were so stressful, so angry, you looked like you have a mental breakdown when you received the decision email. you were easily cried, like you always did. I know what you felt. I know, right? At least you were tried your best. But look at the bright side, God was looking over you, cause now in 2020, there is a pandemic, all over the world, I can say now you were lucky for not getting accepted for that stupid scholarship. You could be yourself, could be a wonderful woman, without proving anything, my love. 

You were griefing, for the first time in your life. Your dad passed away, you thought your life would changed entirely but no, life must go on. You keep regretting yourself for being ignorant, arrogant, overly confident, feeling like a rich person, you named it. As if you could just tell him you care and you love him but it was just too late. If I could just say to you that everything would be okay soon and just focus on what was going on. You felt like slumped down, after not getting your plan to going abroad and then your dad passed away, you were going down to the bottom after you were on your top of your game. Just a major failure. No, it was not. It was just life, Cal. Sometimes you get what you want, sometimes everything gets on its plan but sometimes you don't just get it, sometimes everything just doesn't go as it should be and sometimes it was for your own good, just prepare for the worst case. Prepare for losing, because it will definitely happen someday, again. 

I remembered you were so depressed hahahaha, you didn't know what to do next with your life and you just became so innocent and registering yourself for postgraduate study in management! hahaha you just didn't know what happen to me now because of you hahaha. Then, you always planned for "only" the good things in your life. You thought it would be a new life after losing everything, you would think getting your MBA degree with perfect score and got a honour, then getting married with a prince charming who loves you and bend his knees for you after you graduate. I tell you, it is not easy for me to take it all, I just want to make this quick and get my MBA degree with whatever score I get hahaha. I still love you for what you have done to me. 

Yours sincerely,

Yourself at 2020