Dear my past self

Dear my self at 23,

Hello Calysta! I am you, now at 25. You know you were never realize how hard you treated yourself my dear. I know you were the best graduate, you got a honour and compliments. You got a job in your dream company with your "above-average" salary as a fresh graduate. Girl, you thought you were on the top of the world. People said you were not just an ordinary woman, you were successfully broke many stereotypes about you, you proved everyone who were scoffed you and thought you could be underestimated but they were wrong and you were totally right, you were became overly confident about yourself. Remember when you ditched your friend in your high school when he said your face looks boring 7 years ago? That was a stupid move haha, even though I know he was totally a jerk but c'mon girl, you better than that. If someone said.. ok not someone, let's say 3 or 4 person said you were the worst, does it mean you were actually worse? absolutely not! you were always overthinking about other people say about you, don't you know that? don't you notice yourself? 

You wanted to prove and prove everyone you were the best, but you were stucked in that zone. you never feel satisfied for what you have got and you always wanted people to admire you, think you were amazing, just makes you felt overwhelmed about yourself. Remember when you took an IELTS class and spent so much money so you could continue your study abroad with scholarship? for what? yes to prove everyone that you were smart, genius or whatever. for what? to make everyone loves you. right? for what? to make him feel you were better than him at anything, so he couldn't just say you could be just "the girl next door". do you need that? no. then I believe you weren't moving on from that mistake and failure cause you were not get your "dream plan". you were so stressful, so angry, you looked like you have a mental breakdown when you received the decision email. you were easily cried, like you always did. I know what you felt. I know, right? At least you were tried your best. But look at the bright side, God was looking over you, cause now in 2020, there is a pandemic, all over the world, I can say now you were lucky for not getting accepted for that stupid scholarship. You could be yourself, could be a wonderful woman, without proving anything, my love. 

You were griefing, for the first time in your life. Your dad passed away, you thought your life would changed entirely but no, life must go on. You keep regretting yourself for being ignorant, arrogant, overly confident, feeling like a rich person, you named it. As if you could just tell him you care and you love him but it was just too late. If I could just say to you that everything would be okay soon and just focus on what was going on. You felt like slumped down, after not getting your plan to going abroad and then your dad passed away, you were going down to the bottom after you were on your top of your game. Just a major failure. No, it was not. It was just life, Cal. Sometimes you get what you want, sometimes everything gets on its plan but sometimes you don't just get it, sometimes everything just doesn't go as it should be and sometimes it was for your own good, just prepare for the worst case. Prepare for losing, because it will definitely happen someday, again. 

I remembered you were so depressed hahahaha, you didn't know what to do next with your life and you just became so innocent and registering yourself for postgraduate study in management! hahaha you just didn't know what happen to me now because of you hahaha. Then, you always planned for "only" the good things in your life. You thought it would be a new life after losing everything, you would think getting your MBA degree with perfect score and got a honour, then getting married with a prince charming who loves you and bend his knees for you after you graduate. I tell you, it is not easy for me to take it all, I just want to make this quick and get my MBA degree with whatever score I get hahaha. I still love you for what you have done to me. 

Yours sincerely,

Yourself at 2020