Dear My Past Self Part IV

Dear my past self,

Thank you for forgiving, forgive anything you have been through, forgive your self for being wrong, forgive anything that hurts you. Thank you for being grateful, for not take anything for granted, accept anything Allah has written for you and always put more positive thoughts rather than blaming. Thank you for changing, realize how much sins you have done in the past and try to be a better human, respect more people, respect the situations, respect time and respect emotions. Thank you for being a better mother, that value your time with your son, rather than moving back in time when I was not feeling in being respected by other people. Thank you Allah for putting me in this situations when it is not too late for me to realize how sinful, ungrateful, arrogant I am as your creature, when I am just living this "temporal" world. I am just living Your life, not my life. 

Time will heal.. it is probably true, because I think time is the most valuable thing-yet a very mean substance in life that I can't take control, and I want to feel it, rather than seeing it through photos in the future and regretting all things that I was not really in it (my baby's milestones). 

Dear my self, I love you to the most, you should be the first one I love after my God, but I neglected you over and over again and I will make up for it. I will fill your life with love, passion and heart & soul full of bless. Thank you for staying, accepting and stay sane. 

Full of love,

Your self in December 2023

Dear My Past Self Part III

Hello my self from 2020, being single turned out to be quite amazing now, huh? 👋  You are now 26 and get additional titles for being a wife and a mother, you have so many responsibilities, burdens, emotional situations, yes a lot of drama but have lots of love all the time from your little pumpkin, you never realize that "this moment" would be emotionally roller-coaster ride that drastically change your life 1000 percent. Hi 25 me, why don't you take a lot of "me time" and explore things you haven't done, get dressed differently or meet people you haven't met, I know pandemic strikes your emotion pretty bad, but marriage is another level buddy. One thing I need to tell you, being a mother is extremely wonderful, lovely, but exhausted, so why do not you take a well rest while you can?  Get A LOT OF SLEEP and a lot of me time and a lot of self care because you will definitely needed and of course prepare your self and your heart for the unexpected drama :p I miss you 25 me, I love you so much, everything that you have is wonderful already, why you care so much for what people have? why you always get sentiment about other people life honey? your life has already amazing, you just need to give it colour, because now you are stuck in your routine and only has plenty time for your own self, I really really have unstable emotion right now. I know it is too late to regret, but I have to say now, there's one thing you never regret now is having your little son in your arm after 9 months of pregnancy, you should be proud of your self. Now in 26 perhaps you are not a perfect mother but you are strong enough to face the world. Good bye my 25, YOU WILL BE MISSED, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, YOU ARE WORTH IT AND BEAUTIFUL.

Yours sincerely,

Yourself at 2022

Quarter Life Crisis, anyone?

Being 25 is remarkably crazy! Is there anyone who feel the same way? Hehe

Just to answer my childhood question "Is it great for being a 25 year old?" my answer is "Not that great kid" yes, honestly I always think being in the early 20s is the best thing in the world that will happen to you, yet it is amazing but.. maybe it is not what I thought would be "that amazing"

In the 20s, you start to questioning what is your life purpose and what are going to do next after you graduate. It was running so quickly. Everything happens very quickly you know. People come and then go, you excited first then you start to doubt everything you've decided, and you always blame everyone for your bad luck. You are being late for graduating from your college and people keep asking you "when will you graduate?", then you finally graduate but unfortunately you haven't get any job yet, then again people will ask you the same question "what do you do for a living?" "where is your office?" you were stuck, then when the time is arrived you finally get your dream job, many of your friends one by one is getting married, then another question is waiting for you "when will you get married?" then after married, another question has coming to you "when will you have a kid?" then.. then... that is why I keep saying everything feels so fast and society force you to always be on time. The main thing is, you will be emotionally unstable in this stage. Trust me. 

Yes, being a 25 years old woman is an enforcement. And people starting to judge you for what you've achieved and accomplished, from your background, then releasing social media to human will makes it even worse buddy! So just be ready for the moment, when being a kid is the best thing that happened to you. Not thinking about anything you know, except homework :P

Dear my past self part II

Dear my self at 24,

Hi, are you okay? are you alright? you look tired. 

I am yourself at 25. It is 15th of June 2020. 15 days past after your 25th birthday my dearest Calysta. 24 was crazy, right? but open your heart, your mind, your self. I know you were tired, just take a rest.

You were emotionally unstable, you were easily get stressed, you were naive, you were stubborn and selfish, you were not thinking clearly, you were easily get sick and depressed, you were too honest and you were ambitious, you were easily get offended... you looked at your friends who just getting married in their early age of relationship, and you were so offended with no engagement in almost 9 years of having "relationship" with this person. Hello sweetheart.. since when getting married become the new achievement ya, Cal? you were easily get angry if anyone dare to ask you about marriage hahaha, and yes you would yelled to him and become a starving tiger hahaha, you knew what, I still do not get it. But yes I have to say I still have that feeling sometimes, but now it was not like an anger, but more like a confusion, how should I answer that stupid question? because i have no idea when i get married, who has an idea or an exact answer with that question? i think people doesn't expect any honest answer for that. yeah, they were just prep-talking, and please do not be too serious with that hahaha. Marriage is marriage.. it is not a competition, it is just one phase of a life, or I just can say, next level of your life. But I agree, you deserved to be angry to him, but do not lose your mind and faith, because if someone doesn't treated you right, you deserved a better treatment. One key : believe in your prayer and just take a deep breathe. But yeah, you were my silly pumpkin i love you. 

Thanks to you, for opening my eyes that not everyone is good. You believed in people so easily, you talked as if nothing will happened to you, you acted blindly, not thinking clearly, and put your emotion first more than anything. Not everyone you know was good person, you should be more cautious about that, not everyone thought about you the same as you thought about them, sometimes you just misunderstand it and you just let yourself drowned. I know dear, you wanted to become a positive person, but that was not a good way to start. You were become mad, disappointed with people, you thought that why people didn't feel the same way as you did, why people did not thank you for what you have done to them, why people just get easily mocked you in front of everyone when you always tried to keep their feelings. Become positive is not trusting, it is different. You had become easily get depressed, sick and stressed because of that. And for all those negativity and toxicity people brought to you, put it on the garbage and just move on, do not say a word and just leave, you have a right to cut the line between you and those negativity people brought to your head, make you feel bad. Just do not be overthinking about it. Put that on the trash. You deserved to be happy and surrounded yourself with good people. 

You were so naive girl! Please.. politics is exist. You cannot get what you want without strategy, and thinking that everything needs "technical effort". You were not a college girl anymore. Please be smarter with that, cause you have learned in class. Be classy always, I am still learning to be that way. That was okay.

I appreciate your hard work for making this far to be a postgraduate student. It was not easy for you to maintain both roles as an employee and a student at the same time. You still keep your expectation high and be a perfectionist, but let's make it less, for your own good. I am so proud of your hard work, really. You let yourself sleepless for 3 days in a row for doing examinations, you were reading many articles to get your homework done on time, you let your weekend gone too soon, you missed many events just to be right on time on your class, I am so proud of you really. Someday, your hard work will be paid off, I believe that. Thank you for taught me so much. To be a better me in the future.

Yours sincerely,

Calysta Merina, the age of 25

Dear my past self

Dear my self at 23,

Hello Calysta! I am you, now at 25. You know you were never realize how hard you treated yourself my dear. I know you were the best graduate, you got a honour and compliments. You got a job in your dream company with your "above-average" salary as a fresh graduate. Girl, you thought you were on the top of the world. People said you were not just an ordinary woman, you were successfully broke many stereotypes about you, you proved everyone who were scoffed you and thought you could be underestimated but they were wrong and you were totally right, you were became overly confident about yourself. Remember when you ditched your friend in your high school when he said your face looks boring 7 years ago? That was a stupid move haha, even though I know he was totally a jerk but c'mon girl, you better than that. If someone said.. ok not someone, let's say 3 or 4 person said you were the worst, does it mean you were actually worse? absolutely not! you were always overthinking about other people say about you, don't you know that? don't you notice yourself? 

You wanted to prove and prove everyone you were the best, but you were stucked in that zone. you never feel satisfied for what you have got and you always wanted people to admire you, think you were amazing, just makes you felt overwhelmed about yourself. Remember when you took an IELTS class and spent so much money so you could continue your study abroad with scholarship? for what? yes to prove everyone that you were smart, genius or whatever. for what? to make everyone loves you. right? for what? to make him feel you were better than him at anything, so he couldn't just say you could be just "the girl next door". do you need that? no. then I believe you weren't moving on from that mistake and failure cause you were not get your "dream plan". you were so stressful, so angry, you looked like you have a mental breakdown when you received the decision email. you were easily cried, like you always did. I know what you felt. I know, right? At least you were tried your best. But look at the bright side, God was looking over you, cause now in 2020, there is a pandemic, all over the world, I can say now you were lucky for not getting accepted for that stupid scholarship. You could be yourself, could be a wonderful woman, without proving anything, my love. 

You were griefing, for the first time in your life. Your dad passed away, you thought your life would changed entirely but no, life must go on. You keep regretting yourself for being ignorant, arrogant, overly confident, feeling like a rich person, you named it. As if you could just tell him you care and you love him but it was just too late. If I could just say to you that everything would be okay soon and just focus on what was going on. You felt like slumped down, after not getting your plan to going abroad and then your dad passed away, you were going down to the bottom after you were on your top of your game. Just a major failure. No, it was not. It was just life, Cal. Sometimes you get what you want, sometimes everything gets on its plan but sometimes you don't just get it, sometimes everything just doesn't go as it should be and sometimes it was for your own good, just prepare for the worst case. Prepare for losing, because it will definitely happen someday, again. 

I remembered you were so depressed hahahaha, you didn't know what to do next with your life and you just became so innocent and registering yourself for postgraduate study in management! hahaha you just didn't know what happen to me now because of you hahaha. Then, you always planned for "only" the good things in your life. You thought it would be a new life after losing everything, you would think getting your MBA degree with perfect score and got a honour, then getting married with a prince charming who loves you and bend his knees for you after you graduate. I tell you, it is not easy for me to take it all, I just want to make this quick and get my MBA degree with whatever score I get hahaha. I still love you for what you have done to me. 

Yours sincerely,

Yourself at 2020

Manusia

Postingan ini akan menjadi postingan yang bersejarah, kejadian ini adalah kejadian yang baru pertama kali gue alamin, mungkin bukan cuma gue doang yang baru ngelamin, even nyokap gue pun yang umurnya udah 50 tahun baru kali ini ngalamin pandemi virus kayak begini. Covid-19 atau Coronavirus Disease 2019 adalah virus corona jenis baru mematikan yang sedang mewabah di dunia, ga cuma Indonesia aja bro, hampir semua negara di dunia. So basically, no place is safe sekarang. Udah 10 hari gue ga pergi kemana mana, even ke warung deket rumah gue, literally gue cuma di rumah nontonin berita dan update berita mengenai bencana luar biasa ini. Menurut gue ini keadaannya udah lebih parah ketimbang bencana alam, karena kita gak akan pernah ngerasa aman dan kita gatau kapan berakhirnya, sedih bgt ga si? Sekarang aja kasusnya di dunia udah hampir 1 juta kasus, gatau lagi bakal terus naik atau gimana. Memang awal mula virus ini berasal tuh kaya "Apa yang lu lakuin, lu tanggung akibatnya" kira-kira kayak gitu. Udah dikasih aturan sama agama, jangan makan ini makan itu, masih aja dimakan, kayak ga ada makanan lain yang enak aja. Aturan itu dibuat pasti ada alasan kan, pas dilanggar ya terima deh akibatnya. Ibaratnya gitu. Makan hewan liar lah, makan tikus lah, cuma karena "katanya" bisa menambah stamina lelaki, gairah seks. Ampun dah, emang nafsu musti ngalahin akal sehat dan nurani ya? Makan makanan ga layak cuma buat nafsu. Asli gue sampe sini aja gak paham lagi sama manusia. Dan itu masih "katanya". Ancur kan dunia cuma karena segelintir manusia bodoh yang gapake akal sehat.

Btw, ngomong-ngomong soal manusia, jujur sih gue makin hari makin geleng-geleng liat kelakuan manusia. Ntah karena memang umur gue yang semakin beranjak dewasa sehingga mata gue mulai terbuka dengan hal-hal aneh tersebut (at least menurut gue aneh), atau memang dari dasarnya sifat dan sikap manusia itu aneh, dan ditambah fenomena digital yang makin marak, akal dan nurani manusia makin ilang in the sake of content. Hadew. Lanjut..

Iya itu gue melihat kok bisa bisanya orang kaya gini. Contoh kaya hal-hal yang simple di kehidupan gue deh, banyak orang yang ternyata baik cuma ada maunya, baik karena mau minjem duit baik karena mengharapkan sesuatu dari kita, eh pas kita minta tolong "duh maaf ya bukan gue gamau nolongin cuma..." hadeh udah kebaca sih. Sampe berita-berita aneh kayak, orang bunuh orang tua cuma karena ga dikasih uang lah, ayah kandung perkosa anak kandung cuma karena nafsu lah, orang nyuri uang rakyat cuma karena biar diliat orang lain kaya, orang buka aib di internet biar terkenal, jahatin orang lain in the name of agama, sampe ada berita heboh yang kurang lebih 4 bulan lalu ya, mahasiswa pria asal Indonesia di inggris perkosa laki-laki sampe 190an orang, ampun kata gue, gue merasa kelakuan manusia udah melebihi hewan sih, cuma mikirin dunia yang lo gatau kapan idup disini lho woy wahai penduduk bumi. Dunia makin aneh, lesbian dan homosexual makin lama makin di dukung, bahkan ada organisasinya gaes (geleng kepala), mereka udah ga malu lagi show off ke public, pdhl jaman dulu ini adalah aib yang sangat aib, cewek jadi cowok, cowok jadi cewek malah terkenal dan banyak fans, ya Allah.. ini apaan sih, udah bener-bener melebihi hewan. Hewan aja ga ada kawin betina sama betina, jantan sama jantan, jantan ya ama betina. Hewan ga ada yang betina mau jadi jantan, jantan mau jadi betina, ya sesuai kodratnya aja, udah lebih ga waras dari hewan kalau kata gue sih. Manusia dikasih akal, dikasih hati, dikasih kemampuan yang banyak sama Tuhan kebanyakan ngelunjaknya, gue aja ya yang sesama manusia geleng-geleng kepala dan jujur muak. Gimana Allah ya?

Kapan hari gue nonton podcast nya deddy corbuzier yang dokter boyke sama yang pasangan lesbian asli gue pusing dari awal sampe akhir nonton, dalam hati "kok ada ya orang kaya begini, salah didikan apa gimana", orang ga ada malu malunya ngaku lesbian dan ngaku seks sesama jenis ckckck, alhamdulillah untungnya gue lahir dan rahim ibu yang baik, tulus dan merawat gue dengan baik sehingga gue besar ga begitu ampun ya. Emang penting banget sih peran keluarga dan orang tua buat sikap manusia itu sendiri nantinya, karna banyak emang kelakuan manusia-semi hewan, yang emang root causenya karena salah didikan. 

Makannya gue ga heran sih kalau ada wabah begini, balik lagi, apa yang lu lakuin ya akibatnya juga lu rasain. Masalahnya, akibat yang lu buat bikin susah satu dunia, udah ngedzolimin satu dunia, itu hukumnya gimana ya ga paham sih gue. Orang-orang yang ga ngerti apa apa banyak yang meninggal, banyak orang yang kehilangan sanak saudara bahkan mereka gabisa lihat jasad sampe akhirnya gabisa ikut makamin juga. Sedih banget ya Allah.. semoga aku dijauhkan dari keadaan seperti itu :( gue ditinggal bokap aja, masih bisa lihat jasadnya, mandiin jasadnya, cium jasadnya sedihnya kayak apaan tau, galaunya 1 tahunan lebih, apalagi gabisa liat sama sekali, bahkan solatin aja gabisa :( makannya lu manusia jangan banyak dzolim, apalagi dzolimnya malah nyusahin orang banyak. Ok gue sedih sekarang... 

Memang banyak manusia egois dan cuma mikirin diri sendiri, mentingin materi dan nafsu diatas akal sehat dan nurani, dan populasinya di dunia banyak banget, tapi gue yakin masih ada orang baik yang tulus dan punya hati walaupun cuma sekian persen. Banyak yang bisa dipetik dari sebuah bencana (asal kalau udah selesai ga diulang lagi) lo bisa lebih aware dengan kesehatan, kebersihan dan keselamatan lu dan orang lain juga, mudah-mudahan abis wabah ini manusia bisa lebih punya hati nurani dan dunia bisa jadi tempat yang lebih baik. Aamiin

Taqwa

Assalamualaikum readers.

Halo! It's good to be back! Sebenernya udah pengen banget nulis banyak hal, tapi karena rutinitas gue setiap hari nya hampir sama, jadi kadang susah untuk dapet inspirasi yang wow gitu hahaha. Ok well, di postingan kali ini gue mau lebih ke arah berbagi ilmu sebenarnya, bukan cerita. Hari minggu kemarin gue sempetin waktu jam 10 pagi buat dateng ke Kajian Ustadzah Halimah Alaydrus di salah satu masjid di daerah tebet. Sebenernya momen kajiannya sih hampir mirip dengan kajian islam pada umumnya, tapi topik dan tema yang dibicarakan itu menarik buat gue sampe gue bisa hafal dan inget yang dibicarakan, padahal gue jarang banget bisa inget sama ceramah sampe 3 hari setelah ceramah itu selesai hahahaha. Kenapa menarik? Karena relate banget sama yang gue hadapi di hidup gue dan most of people-I think. 

Actually, yang dibicarakan awalnya seputar ibadah puasa karena bertepatan dengan momen bulan Ramadhan, tapi setelah dikaji lebih dalam, banyak hal yang ternyata relate sama kehidupan kita dan sikap kita yang kadang kita suka gak sadar. Ada 3 makna penting puasa di bulan ramadhan yang kita raih apabila kita mengerjakannya dengan sungguh-sungguh : Taqwa, Syukur, dan Dewasa.

Apa sih itu taqwa? Taqwa itu tahap dimana kita beriman to 'another level'. Ibaratnya kalau main game, tingkatannya itu udah di level advanced dan susah banget buat nerapinnya. "Beriman gimana sih cal? Beriman ke Allah? Itu mah gue udah kali!" Eits.. ga semudah itu ferguso. Ini levelnya berbeda, iman kepada Allah bahwa kita benar benar menyerahkan SEPENUHNYA hidup kita kepada Allah dan menerima segala KETENTUAN yang udah Dia tetapkan di hidup kita. Jadi gak ada ceritanya kalo usaha bangkrut tiba tiba miskin terus stress dan menyalahkan keadaan, gak ada ceritanya kalah pemilu berkoar koar ga terima, gak ada cerita dapat musibah atau bencana dunia seakan runtuh dan kita merasa yang paling menderita di dunia. Itu makna beriman yang sesungguhnya, MENERIMA. Itu pun yang gue alami di hidup gue ketika apa yang gue usahakan tidak sebanding dengan yang gue dapatkan, gue merasa udah beriman sama Allah tapi kok hati masih berontak dan gak terima ya, seakan akan gue orang yang paling harus dikasihanin di muka bumi, itu yang dinamakan iman? Kita beriman, kita PERCAYA bahwa Allah emang pengurus semua nya dan yang Maha Adil, kita harus ikhlas dan percaya bahwa apa yang kita alami adalah hal terbaik yang Allah tetapkan untuk kita dan kita harus selalu berprasangka baik kepada Allah. Dapat musibah atau kesulitan atau hidup yang kita kira gak sebagus yang orang lain miliki gak selamanya bawa dampak buruk ke hidup kita kok kalau kita bisa maknainnya sebagai 'prasangka baik'. Allah mengajarkan kita untuk mandiri dan berjuang sehingga kita dapat menghargai dan selalu bersyukur dengan apa yang kita dapat, insyaAllah. 

Selain beriman kepada Allah, ada tahap yang lebih advanced lagi. Beriman kepada 'hal yang tidak terlihat'. Ini bukan berarti beriman kepada hantu ya hahahaha. Beriman kepada kematian, beriman kepada hari akhir (kiamat), beriman kepada malaikat, beriman kepada surga dan neraka dan percaya bahwa semua itu ada dan akan terjadi pada kita, insyaAllah membuat kita lebih dekat kapada-Nya. Guys, penting lho untuk ingat itu, dan ingat bahwa apa yang kita miliki dari harta, uang, jabatan, kekuasaan sampai keluarga yang kita sayangi hanyalah titipan Allah dan akan ada saatnya semua itu hanya tinggal kenangan. Jadi alangkah baiknya dari sekarang kita pikirkan baik baik tentang itu sebelum semuanya 'terlambat'. Jangan lah jadi orang yang sombong dengan harta dan kekuasaan, dan jangan lupa untuk berbagi rezeki ke kaum yang membutuhkan, karena sesungguhnya harta itu adalah ujian bagi si pemiliknya dan dari masing-masing harta ada hak yang 'membutuhkan'. 

Gue inget ustadzah halimah tausyiah dengan kelembutan suaranya tentang begitu baiknya Allah. Dia datangkan rezeki dan dia datangkan juga pintu berkah ke kita. Kita ga perlu susah payah cari orang yang harus kita sedekahi, kadang dengan dilihatkan bahwa banyak kaum dhuafa, tetangga kita yang kesusahan, atau saudara kita yang sedang kena musibah dan butuh biaya kita lagi dibukakan pintu pahala lho, itu salah satu prasangka baik yang harus kita imani juga hehe. Tapi justru kadang kalau ada orang lagi kesusahan kita malah berucap "Nyusahin banget ya pinjem uang terus!" "Kerjanya minta minta doang, dikira nyari uang gampang!" itulah kalau yang diimani prasangka netizen hahaha. Di akhir zaman nanti, semua orang akan menjadi kaya sehingga sulittt bangeet buat sedekah, dan itu udah keliatan di negara negara maju seperti Uni Emirat Arab dan Qatar yang harus sedekah kleur negara mereka karena hampir gak ada penduduk miskin di negara mereka, wow! Makannya guys salah satu yang harus kita syukuri ketika di Indonesia ladang pahala kita masih luas banget.

Jujur gue belum sampai tahap ini, sulit banget guys gak bohong! Tapi setidaknya kita tahu dan ada niat untuk belajar dan memperbaiki diri. Semua berawal dari niat, dan setiap niat itu adalah pahala insyaAllah hehe. Makna Bersyukur akan gue post di postingan selanjutnya ya!